Ash

I felt your lips like icy rain on my skin 
It made me shiver for a second before it made me shudder

I felt your desire like the hot, sticky breath against my neck
I turned my face towards you, not to kiss you but to take the tender parts of me out of your reach 
You went for my hand but it was my heart that wouldn’t grab hold

I can feel your sweaty body move against mine and feel fine
But hearing your heart beating against my ear feels like getting my chest ripped open
There’s a lot I try to hide inside 

You said lovely things but your voice is like hot caramel coffee
I can only take so much before it gives me tummy pains

When you told me to stop I ignored you, I was simply playing around 
When I felt your violent palm against my face I heard every word I had ever said 
Watched them fall through me and turn to ash
I felt myself blowing away

I can smell you on me, there’s not a scent more nauseating than the smell of our lust, sticky against my inner thighs 
I rubbed at myself with a fruity replacement 
But the sweetness doesn’t smell like me 
And that’s no better than smelling like you

I can feel you creep behind me
Saw the angry memory of your hands on me in colors that mar my light skin
The colors of a summers night sky
Deep blue, royal purple
A sunset – orange, red, pink.

I walked away as my heart stopped trembling at the thought of your eyes 
I washed my hands of the ills I wished on you 

When I think of your collarbone I don’t imagine a dip that invited my mouth
Beckoning for a kiss 
When I remember your dimples I don’t think of how they felt; the dip of those smiling cheeks left a pocket that was forever filled with cold air 

Your shoulders don’t beg me to hide between them
Playing hide and seek with your gaze

Is it strange? 
That I can move over you, can feel you inside of me, sleep beside you, moan and squirm beneath you…
Wake up and turn away from you?
That I can fuck you, but not hold your hand?

It feels like blasphemy.
Holding hands I mean 
It feels like a lie, sour against my lips. 
It feels like the ash in my mouth after I take 10 hits
I’m flying away from you

It feels like sin
You feel like sin

4 thoughts on “Ash

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