Pressure Headaches

Too many tears building up behind my eyes, 
They leak to my ears and now I have an ear infection. 
The pressure on my temples gives me a headache –
And pulling the trigger would be a cure-all-end-all… 
But I’m still weighing the consequences

The doorbell rang as I was cutting this out of me, 
And it was a police officer – I’m 18 so he told me my mum is getting summoned to court. 
Again. 
She’s undocumented so I felt my heart freeze,
Cuz as much as everything can be okay..
It can be very not okay too.

When I was a kid I heard a lot of my family 
Constantly spilling words like “papers” “imigração” “deported.” 
And I loved to draw so I made a couple pictures -
For my mum and dad you know, the family ones where we all stand and hold hands.
And I gave it to my mother and told her 
“Now you have papers, you don’t have to be scared anymore.” 
I think that was the first time I saw her cry. 
Now I’ve seen her with her head in her hands too many times, 
I wish I wasn’t the reason most of the time.

When my dad got sick I didn’t understand, 
But my heart did, and it forced my head down and made me leak tears from a faucet somewhere inside.
We watched him shrivel up with disease and lose hope, 
Struggle to leave his family.. 
He fought so unbelievable hard until God said we couldn’t have him no more 
And I touched my daddy for the last time – cold and sleeping,
In my living room. 
How wonderfully fucking ironic.

That faucet I still haven’t fixed and 
It’s four years after he died now. 
I don’t think I’ll ever have the strength to find a plumber. 
I’ll miss hearing the trickle when I’m alone in the dark.

Maybe it’s strange to think that the part of my childhood I care the least about now 
Is the part that made me cringe the most. 
When someone’s sweaty body is touching yours in places 
You’ve been taught to keep out of sight, 
And bruises places that will never see the light of day.
That happened over years I think – I know.
But I don’t care anymore, because I can shut my body off from feeling anything. 
And when I can’t turn it back on, I get mighty good at pretending.

This wasn’t supposed to be long 
I think I’m all done now

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