You Were Going To Be Special

I never knew what to say when they held my face in their palms and told me to feel something. 
I imagine you must think that I’m holding something down in my chest – that suppression is my attire and I don it to feel more in control. 
Baby when I feel things it is like leaves falling out of trees, emotions bumping your shoulder on the path down. 
I have only seconds to experience them before they break. They are fine like powder. 
I do not watch as they blow away. 
Why would I sit and watch my past rewind. It’s etched so clearly into my mind. 
Show me again that the shards of glass in this chest do not feel pleasant and that it’s harder to ignore the bleeding when you’re all alone and no one is there to tell you “I care.” 
I do not have the strength yet to risk my self
When you deem to think that I have nothing to give you beyond silence and stares, remember that I have made the earth tremble and cry for the things I have felt… Felt as they dripped down from my chest, as they formed soft hands that rubbed his back and alleviated the pressure the earth put on those shoulders. 
I used to get high to laugh. 
Now I’m sucking tar into my lungs out of fear of something. 
I’m afraid of running – despite it all I live to see your smile.
Your laugh is undoubtedly the sweetest I’ve heard since childhood. And I can forget everything when I hear the heartbeat in that corner of your chest. 
I know myself, I know who I am. And I lived too long making decisions that benefitted nobody. But I made a good decision for you and I stuck by it despite my inner misgivings. I ignored my instincts for you. 
And you have proven no different than the others. I was in it for the long haul. 
Tell me, are you even worth it? 
I want you to tell me.


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