sex

Heaven

The hit smacks against my throat
Electric burn mutates into a steady hum
Delicious tingles run recklessly over my skin

We are giggling and touchy
Punctuating sentences with gazes
And skirting around this …
This… Something between us

We are light
Floating together towards who-knows-what
But happy in each other’s arms

You are not conventionally pretty
But your slanted eyes
And plump pink lips 
And your soft, curvy body 
Call out for caresses 

Strange that I have never kissed those lips

Yet I have touched those breasts
I have run my hands over your length
Whispering “you’re perfect”
As your breath warms my neck 

I have held myself tight against you
As you push back into me
I have relished the feel of your hands on me
We have loved each other

But I’ve never kissed your lips

I have slept beside you
Nuzzling contentedly into your side
Falling into a heavy sleep 
That I can only have when I’ve burned a nugget 
Or when I’m with you

I wake up to those lips
But they turn away from me
Mumbling of making coffee for you, babe 
You know my heart quivers towards yours
I want something more

But that’s why you won’t let me kiss your lips 

You want my body 
So I give you my heart
They want our bodies 
We give them our hearts

Ash

I felt your lips like icy rain on my skin 
It made me shiver for a second before it made me shudder

I felt your desire like the hot, sticky breath against my neck
I turned my face towards you, not to kiss you but to take the tender parts of me out of your reach 
You went for my hand but it was my heart that wouldn’t grab hold

I can feel your sweaty body move against mine and feel fine
But hearing your heart beating against my ear feels like getting my chest ripped open
There’s a lot I try to hide inside 

You said lovely things but your voice is like hot caramel coffee
I can only take so much before it gives me tummy pains

When you told me to stop I ignored you, I was simply playing around 
When I felt your violent palm against my face I heard every word I had ever said 
Watched them fall through me and turn to ash
I felt myself blowing away

I can smell you on me, there’s not a scent more nauseating than the smell of our lust, sticky against my inner thighs 
I rubbed at myself with a fruity replacement 
But the sweetness doesn’t smell like me 
And that’s no better than smelling like you

I can feel you creep behind me
Saw the angry memory of your hands on me in colors that mar my light skin
The colors of a summers night sky
Deep blue, royal purple
A sunset – orange, red, pink.

I walked away as my heart stopped trembling at the thought of your eyes 
I washed my hands of the ills I wished on you 

When I think of your collarbone I don’t imagine a dip that invited my mouth
Beckoning for a kiss 
When I remember your dimples I don’t think of how they felt; the dip of those smiling cheeks left a pocket that was forever filled with cold air 

Your shoulders don’t beg me to hide between them
Playing hide and seek with your gaze

Is it strange? 
That I can move over you, can feel you inside of me, sleep beside you, moan and squirm beneath you…
Wake up and turn away from you?
That I can fuck you, but not hold your hand?

It feels like blasphemy.
Holding hands I mean 
It feels like a lie, sour against my lips. 
It feels like the ash in my mouth after I take 10 hits
I’m flying away from you

It feels like sin
You feel like sin

Inhale Exhale

“You asked me if I could take back one thing what would it be.
 Are you sure you want the answer?
I wish I could take back every time you ever fucked me.
 The thought of your moan in my ear makes me want to hurl. 
I wish I could scrub your fingerprints off the inside of my thighs. 
I would return the feel of your hands on my back, I don’t want it.
You asked me if I could take back one thing what would it be.
 I would take back my innocence,
 so I wouldn’t have had to watch you inhale my warmth
 and exhale nothing but our downfall.”

Standards

I don’t hold others to the same – low – standard that I hold myself to. Is it strange, to think of myself as a mother, and being utterly disappointed to have a daughter do some things I did? I was 14 when I lost my virginity to E1. Which was bad enough, especially looking back and regretting it. I never wanted to, I never thought of it or planned it, but I was in a very sexual situation that – by keeping my mouth shut and not saying no – simply led to it. What I hate the most is where, I mean.. I was outside. At the very end of November. I live in Massachusetts, it’s really cold. And I was standing up against a brick apartment building under the deck of an apartment on the second floor. How romantic. Worst of all, he was 19. It’s not a big age difference. But oh my gosh thinking of this objectively makes me think that he was a creep. Which I know he wasn’t, I mean.. This was age 14, we didn’t break up (for the final time) until age 16. And the lack of consistent sex makes me think that wasn’t the only reason he was with me – or at least I hope so. Giggles. But anyways. I didn’t have sex with anyone else until more than a year later, when we broke up the first time. This was E2 … Stupid. I thought of E1 the whole time, I was still (unknowingly) in love with him. But whatever. I dated him for a tad, wanting to get back with E1, and unknowingly competing with JTS – who had finally “lost” her virginity to a 30 year old guy and managed to have sex with him and his nephew the same day, earning the nickname from my angry self back then. But after we got together and broke up again a couple more times, I hooked up with a guy I talked to for awhile before me and E1 got together – once and done. After all this, seeing the strange recurring pattern of never actually enjoying sex with guys, and 2 failed attempts with my – now – best friend, I decided to just stop. But despite a nice discovery and loving someone I could never truly be with, I would wish nothing but something different for a little girl that – I can never know if – ill have to love and hold.

For my daughter,
I will never know you, because I write to a ghost that I’ve conceived in my mind. I will never hold you or touch you, because you are not who I think you are. And I will never feel you flutter and move against my most intimate innards, stretching through the darkness of my womb. Because I will never carry you inside of me. But I love you, I want nothing but good for you. You are everything that’s good, you are beauty and sunshine and kittens and childish giggles. I hope your innocence last through to ages that extend past my own. I hope you hold this love to your chest and let it warm your bones when the cold of Earth seeps in and makes you feel all alone. Never forget. Always remember.

Sex And Connections

They say there’s a connection between two people when they have sex; sex being the most intense form of physical intimacy people can experience together. That of course is my own definition, feel free to insert your own. Anywho. They say that a little part of you is forever with them, a little part of them forever with you. I don’t agree with the derogatory renditions of proclaiming a nonvirgin unclean and impure; for that, to me, is a state of mind. A higher awareness. Not your virginity. But I do believe that you’ll forever feel at least a twinge of emotion regarding those you’ve lain with. I can’t use myself as an example because I felt for those I’ve been with, I loved at least one. I know I’ll forever have a little part of him; of them in my heart – even if it’s nothing to do with sex. I’m not sure where I was going with this, it’s an unfinished thought I suppose. But I wonder if it’s the same for men, although I doubt it is. Less emotion, I think it’s a blessing.

Pheromones

Is it human nature to second guess? Is it me? The majority? Maybe it’s the insecurity; I always let it get the best of me. I wonder. If I’m what you want, if there’s something you want from me. I arch my back and bite my lip but what is this animal in me and why is she aching to come out? Im stuck in the dark, but she’ll be there to care for me. She wants the best for me. But if she’s in me then she is me and she wants the best for only herself. I’ll wait. But I can’t. She prowls out and devours my thoughts. Invades my mind and fills it with you. Me and her. Her and you. What is it about pheromones? You creep out and hang about as if you know. Can you sense them? Is it human nature? Is it me? The majority?

Pink Matter

And the peaches and the mangos
That you could sell for me…

What do you think my brain is made for
Is it just a container for the mind?
This great grey matter
Sensei replied, what is your woman
Is she just a container for the child?
That soft pink matter
Cotton candy
Majin Buu
Close my eyes and fall into you
My god she’s giving me pleasure

What if the sky and the stars are for show
And the aliens are watching live
From the purple matter
Sensei went quiet then violent
And we sparred until we both grew tired
Nothing mattered
Cotton candy
Majin Buu
Dim the lights and fall into you, you, you
My god, giving me pleasure
Pleasure, pleasure, pleasure
Pleasure over matter

Since you been gone
I been having withdrawals
You were such a habit to call
I ain’t myself at all had to tell myself naw
She’s better with some fella with a regular job
I didn’t wanna get her involved
By dinner Mr. Benjamin was sittin’ in awe
Hopped into my car drove far
Far’s too close and I remember
My memories no sharp
Butter knife what a life anyway
I’m building y’all a clock stop
What am I, Hemingway?
She had the kind of body
That would probably intimidate
Any of ’em that were un-southern
Not me cousin
If models are made for modeling
Thick girls are made for cuddlin’
Switch worlds and we can huddle then
Who needs another friend
I need to hold your hand
You’d need no other man
We’d flee to other lands

Grey matter
Blue used to be my favorite color
Now I ain’t got no choice
Blue matter

You’re good at being bad
You’re bad at being good
For heaven’s sakes go to hell
Knock on wood

You’re good at being bad
You’re bad at being good
For heaven’s sakes go to hell
Knock on wood
For heaven’s sakes go to hell
Knock on wood

Well frankly when that ocean so mahfuckin’ good
Make her swab the mahfuckin’ wood
Make her walk the mahfuckin’ plank
Make her rob a mahfuckin’ bank
With no mask on and a rusty revolver