Gender Complexities

It’s hard to lay out something so confusing in words, something so intricately complex it’s like a ball of tangled up yarn. No one would know but me, how to spit it out in neat rows, tidy little letters. But this functioning part of my brain is missing, and I’m left to my own devices, trying to find words that can barely express the degree of emotion.. It goes like this: I can be very attracted to you, we can kiss and nuzzle and cuddle and our desire will grow more and more, and as we begin to touch and hands wander, I want nothing more than to never stop, for the moment to last forever. As we near the moment of full exposure, however, I balk. I feel it grow beneath my hands and utter repulsion flashes through me. If I see it or if my face just happens to be in the vicinity, I get a strong desire to puke. It is disgusting. And I’ve never been so turned off in my life. But it’s not just you and it’s not just him. It’s every single guy. I’ve become adept at lying to them and to myself, of forging ahead for who the fuck even knows sake and doing the deed. I can lie to myself to a certain degree, I can convince myself that it was alright, that the burn didn’t seem to last forever and that the tears that always, always well up were present because of something in my eye. But after awhile it’s tiring. I’m giving these people something I never wanted to give. Not that they forced me, no. Something inside me is so utterly repulsed by that vile organ on almost every male on the planet. And then I think of soft curves and little points and giggles that turn into breathy moans and I can only love females. I can only touch such soft skin, such unthreatening and non repulsive bodies. And maybe I’m a lesbian, though I’ve considered myself pansexual for quite awhile. Or maybe some part of me is still broken, still remembers what was done for years and years by a man and doesn’t want that for me anymore. How can I know? But I won’t lie to myself any longer, I won’t force myself into pleasing people who could never please me. And it’s so unfortunate, how I can love a person so much, and detest the body they’re in, what gender they so unfortunately happen to be.